Quicklist Reviews

Quicklist Reviews: Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages

After writing my Fantastic Beasts review, I realized there were plenty of narrative media that I’ve come across and have wanted to review, but either don’t have or don’t want to spend the time to put in a full review. These would be the mediocre-to-decent films, books, and games that I either enjoy or don’t enjoy, but which don’t have enough substance, good or bad, to go on for paragraph after paragraph about. So this is my solution, a lazy but hopefully entertaining report card-like assessment of some of the more middling things I’ve witnessed. I might go back and do this for other things I review in 3P form, or I might even return to one of these and write a longer review if it ages well over time. In the meantime, on to the silliness!

 

Rock of Ages

 

Summary:

Geological bowling meets the best form of art theft.

 

Breakdown Rating:

Characters: 6
Aesthetics: 6
Plot: 5
Humor: 6
Mechanics: 6
Sum: 29/50

 

Important Features:

  • Rocks with smiley faces
  • Famous classic art figures animated like papercraft puppets
  • The crazy Ancient Greeks
  • A goat
  • The convoluted concept of battling your foes via competitive boulder-rolling
  • Keys
  • Europe
  • Those stupid mammoths
  • One-man (boulder?) castle seige

 

Highlights:

  • Your enemies’ faces when their door is nearly broken
  • Napoleon Bonaparte and his fancy dance
  • Bacchus
  • That one guy with the long arms (Cardinal Richelieu?)
  • Elephant catapult
  • Squishing historical figures
  • The sound the historical figures make when squished
  • The boulder getting destroyed a little each time it hits something
  • Pretty European art
  • ^ treated with zero respect for artistic intent
  • That you can destroy your opponent’s ball with catapult throws if you’re skilled enough (which I am usually not)
  • The weird ending

 

Dregs:

  • The game implying I should brush up on both my European ruler and art history
  • Plenty of bland jokes
  • The Statue of David is censored. And it shoots cannonballs from its stomach as an attack. I’m not saying I need a giant phallic cannon boss battle, but it feels like a wasted opportunity.
  • The keys that seem to serve no purpose other than to force you to replay old levels so the game feels longer
  • The stupid catapult delay and small area of effect
  • The boss battle mechanics
  • The expensive ball power-ups that don’t seem to do much of anything
  • That one level that doesn’t register that you’ve hit the gate with a ridiculous velocity and removes all of your momentum because you didn’t hit it in exactly the right place even though you totally hit the doors and the program’s just being petty

 

Spoiler Notes:

  • Why is the battle against Saturn easy unless you fail the jump at his arm, at which point the game autosaves to make progress impossible?
  • What is with that weird flying baby-headed thing?
  • Is the goat Satan? It’s probably Satan.

 

Lingering Questions:

  • Did nothing happen between Ancient Greece and the Middle Ages?
  • Why are the bosses so easy to beat?
  • Why can I see to never make use of my ballistas or cows or towers beyond the second level?
  • How can I get my rock to have a smiley face?
  • Why does Marie Antoinette’s rock have a smiley face and mine doesn’t?
  • What is with Marie Antoinette’s flower petals?
  • No Northern Europe?
  • Why no hats?

 

Verdict:

Yes

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