Q: What does “FAQ” stand for?
A: Are you faqing serious?
Q: i think your stupid i like capten america 3 your dumb and i hate u
A: First, I must say I admire your tenacity in your battle against capitalization, especially given how ubiquitous spell-checking and autocorrect are these days. However, even if you had a question mark on the end of your sentence, I’m not sure that would really count as a question, so I’ll answer it as best I can: Yes.
Q: Why didn’t you review X until two years after it came out?
A: The short answer is because it took that long to come to Netflix, or at least for me to notice it. The longer answer is because new things are expensive and I don’t like to shell out a full month’s subscription to Netflix to see one film unless I’m pretty sure that film will be really good. For things like books and games, it might also take me a while to get through the thing. I like to avoid the initial hype associated with big new releases (*cough*Marvel movies*cough*) so I can view them with a touch more objectivity.
Q: You have weird tastes. Why did you give X a better review than Y?
A: As my brother once said, possibly quoting some children’s program, you’re not the brightest thumb in a pile of thumbs, are you? That is largely how reviews from a single person work. I’m a flawed human being, and yes, I do have weird tastes.
Q: What’s with the hats?
A: Are you implying you don’t like hats?
Q: Your review system makes no sense.
A: Again, that’s not a question, but you can go to my Ratings Explanation if you want to make a little more sense of it.
Q: Will you ever review X?
A: There are fairly few things I won’t review, but I put some things like new experiences and films or books I think I can discuss more thoroughly, for good or bad reasons, as higher priorities. For instance, I probably won’t get around to the Song of Fire and Ice books any time soon, even though I’m planning on doing a series for Game of Thrones, because despite fans’ insistence that the show and books are very different, most of these differences come in the form of fairly minor events, characters, and details. I don’t think I would have much to say that I didn’t already bring up in the show reviews. That two more books are supposed to be released eventually and the probability of the writer releasing them within the next decade seems unlikely also doesn’t help that particular case. However, I may get around to it eventually.
Q: YOU SPOILED THIS WHOLE THING FOR ME, HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?
A: Okay, first of all, calm down. I’m sorry I spoiled something for you, but I try to note when a review has spoilers and when it doesn’t. I use a lot of spoilers because sometimes that’s necessary to get into a deep discussion of the work. If you were upset by a spoiler-free review, then it’s possible I made a mistake, or that you have a very broad definition of what constitutes a spoiler. Let me know which review it was, and in the future, consider seeing the thing (the whole thing preferably) before reading the review.
Q: You already did a review of series X but you only did a general review. Will you do an episodic review too?
A: Probably not. I may revisit some media in another way if my opinions change or I find something new worth saying, but don’t hold your breath, especially for episodic reviews.
Q: Will you do an episodic review of this 500-episode series?
A: Fuck no. Episodic reviews take weeks to months to complete, so I generally have very specific criteria for them: A) The series I’m reviewing episodically should have some reasonable amount of episodes, at least when I start reviewing it, B) All or most of the episodes should be complex and have enough material for me to talk about for at least three paragraphs, C) I must actually like the series on some level, or dislike it enough to be engaged enough to have a chance of finishing the thing, D) I must not be working on another series at the same time, and E) Like everything else, I must have access to it. There are plenty of series I would love to break down episode by episode but the difficulty in doing so means I’m restricted in my choice of which one to write about in that much detail. Generally, I’ll go through series I really like first.
Q: What does the “3” stand for in “3P Reviews?”
A: Actually, it stands for two things. I initially wanted to write all three parts of each review in a single paragraph, because paragraphs are easy to constrain and theoretically short. However, once I reached a point where my “paragraphs” were filling up two pages, single-spaced, I realized I was deluding myself and that the only way I could hope to hide my shame in barfing out walls of text was to separate them into several paragraphs and pretend my plan had been to release the reviews in three “parts” all along.
Q: Hey, you made a typo.
A: That happens sometimes. Be more specific and I’ll try to fix it. Also, that’s still not a question.
Q: Has anyone ever actually asked you these questions?
A: Yes, I asked myself these questions when writing this.